JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
it was really awkward. it took him like like 2 minutes to realize who he was jacking off to. he stopped mid-stroke. such a small small world
i told you not to try chat roulette
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
Waking up to find your mom holding your birth control pills and telling you I suggest you take this
woke up to a family dragging me under their beach umbrella, they poured water on me bc they "thought I was dead" then fed me quesadillas and nursed me back to health... gotta love Cabo
Where were you last night, and why am I not surprised that drag queens were involved?
I made everyone scream the national anthem with me after playing true American last night. I'm pretty much their leader now.
I didn't even know this guy existed until he'd had his hands down my pants, so I just went with it.
definitely good. no good can come from sex in a very full public venue.
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
Hey I just woke up in the back of a pickup truck parked at taco bell... Can u come get me?
Randomize
