i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
6 figure salary? he just got a little cuter.
He cut you off when you said Paula Dean was in your soul...He kicked you out when "Paula" started eating random peoples food
only in a texas roadhouse would someone whistle while I was breastfeeding.
Tip of the day: Don't ever send a bootycxall at 3 in aftnoon. No one will respond n u'll just feel fooolish.
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
That awful moment when there is no more beer and you find yourself considering tequila and aloe juice.
we received free cupcakes at the first bar, and then I at the second bar i hooked up with a fat chick from Cincinnati on the patio.
you win some, you lose some.
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
I gave you keys to my house and drugs. This must mean we're in a relationship.
How are you and your magical vagina doing today?
I am so so sorry I bit your butt last night. Twice.
You ran up to my room. I was naked. You refused to leave without drugs. I love you.
Randomize
