There are 3 speedbumps now up. Think you can manage the urge to piss on them?
Aw shit! That's like putting me a in a room full of Captiain Crunch Donuts and Jasper Hale and not letting me put my mouth on either.
He belongs with you like a mcdonalds playground belongs in Chernobyl
We named our party play list daddy issues
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
As we were about to go at it, his roommates barged in singing jumper by third eye blind. Weirdest almost one night stand ever.
Hey your work video crashed my computer. The 8 pornos running in the other window didn't. Congratulations.
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
I'm too old for chlamydia. That's for 20 year olds who go to clubs and do drugs I've never heard of.
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
It's not vacation until I get called "disgustinly sexy" by an fat woman whose older than my mother.
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
Fuck you. All I remember from last night is telling random people that I'm in a "judgement free zone" then I threw up
Randomize
