Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
holy crap !! There is a MIDGET FAMILY in one of my rooms today !
How much trouble would you get into if you were to stomp down the hallway while loudly saying 'Fe Fi Fo Fum...'
a creepy fucking ass man came up and started raven cawwing in my ear... he said it was the raven mating call. i am officially freaked out
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
I don't care how many kiddie pools are in our house. One is too many.
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
Quick! What do I wear on a 4 hour road trip with an older guy in the army I had pantomime sex with in a hotel a few months ago?
Look bro I'll go half per boob with you, we split her.
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
I just sang beautiful by Christina Aguilera to a kebab. This is what my life has come to.
We decided to try to steal hot dogs but it ended up with me punching him in the face and crying. Pretty solid night
I showed him my machete and then we made out in the kitchen
I was gonna jerk off, but then I thought about that movie last night and it killed that idea. I have serious boner trauma.
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
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