You have problems? I'm 20 years old and i'm balding
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
thanks for stopping by when you did. making a meatball quesadilla while high was a bad choice
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
"lets watch the sunrise" turned into "lets have sex on the roof at six thirty in the morning"
She said her hobbies include bangin guys on one night stands and then sending them facebook relationship requests the next morning just to freak em out
Just got invited out of group to take shots after hearing her gay friend say "why would I give him my alcohol so you can suck his dick. It's going to be a good night
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
Was just walking through the park by the river. Saw some random in a tree, we climbed up, blazed with him and bought a bag. In the tree. Real shit.
Most people would probably take his lack of responses as a queue to stop. But nope, not me. I just keep going. And that's why I don't have a bf, just a little weinered friend
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
you can see where the duct tape was on my nipple
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