mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
Dipping chips in queso and thinking of your beautiful face
Her boyfriend only talks to me because I know her period schedule
That's terrible. At least give it a creative name like muff mobile.
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He's bringing condoms over for me in case we "bone".... the fact he calls it boning is not a great start.
You are so lucky that drugs are going to kill you before I do.
Where the hell is he. I called him crying for weed and sex you would think that would signal some urgency.
Michelle asked what I was wearing tonight. I responded with a g-string and plastic wrap. I've gotten no response since.
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
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I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
It's ok, it's locked within patented Sealrite technology. That puke is staying fresh
Talk about having your cake and eating it he has basically demolished the whole fucking bakery
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
Its like Gods punishment for wanting to party
You know you started drinking too early in the day when you have a hangover at midnight
thats called having FUN
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