but instead of smelling like hand cream and homemade cookies, she smells like a yeast infection.
last night this guy was hitting on me by showing me the famous people he had in his contacts on his cell... when he asked me if i knew lindsay lohan, i said "whose that? sounds asian"
He just made me a heart out of cocaine... i think i'm in love
They were like stripper heels, except business stripper heels, the kind strippers would wear to court.
Freshman just walked up and thanked me for letting him hide under my bed when the cops showed up to the house last weekend
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
If you're that baked in a class full of people that know you're that baked you tend to offer up a peace offering. Its like the burrito of trust! If eaten you are now obligated to help maintain my grades and keep me from falling out of my chair. $3.75 a morning is worth it for that mafia type protection!
It has become abundantly clear why you give me pixie stix when you're drunk now...
You passed out while holding my hair during a blow job.. i think your gona have to earn back blow jobs
Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
I am all the way hung over and want nothing more in this world than a McMuffin. Happy day after Thanksgiving.
We had sex last night...... This "Friends" thing is going well.
Dicks are not precious.
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
Btw I thought it was impossible to use up 48 bottles of patron in one night but I was wrong...
Randomize
