I just saw the dad from "Little People Big World" at the airport. I chased him down and congratulated him for beating the DUI.
Canada is now making docos about life in America. Its called Trailer Park Boys.
I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
i got a blow job in the bathroom during intermission at the hockey game. i'm pretty sure i made Canada proud.
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
Blowjobs in the shower are a lot like blowjobs not in the shower. Awesome.
i don't care how ready and willing she is. she is where penises go to die
My near death experience also doubled as my coming out story
they all just nodded
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
We are doing handstands and somersaults in the pool. With an inflatable beer pong table and our regular beer pong table. We're ponging by land and by sea
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
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