Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
this stripper weighs a pound. I feel like I should tip her in food.
I had a great penis washing session in the sink before I left. Washed off all the bar and green beer
Tough to say exactly how to play this. I just know people don't like surprises when genitals are involved.
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
When did I go from having sugar daddies to being one? And does it count as a tax write off?
I miss the good ol days when id just come home from school and thered be a costco size box of condoms on my bed.
my parents really loved me back then.
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
He also has scotch. LOTS AND LOTS of scotch. I think you'd like him!
That is always a wonderful personality trait!
She just asked me if I was going to stay the night. I responded "I know that we are upside down".
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
dude i haven't had a solid dump since sunday and i still cant hear out of my right ear
I have mastered the art of having sex on monkey bars.
Randomize
