If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
Awww. A guy on the train just took his coat off so his girlfriend could throw up into it. Who says chivalry is dead?
He was like a Bill Nye the science guy of sex....he was telling me things about my clitoris that I didn't even know
These old men are woofing at me..PLEASE HURRY
The really sad thing is that I actually practiced crawling in my room yesterday in preparation for today
My building was evacuated who wants to quake and bake
We had to go to his parents last night for dinner & ended up having a quickie in the bathroom while everyone else was outside smoking.. This is why we have a successful marriage.
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
Eric was just sitting there open-mouthed swallowing sake from that squirt bottle for so long the lady across from us leaned over to her kid and told him not to end up like "the big alcoholic one"
Another development in my life...I think I pulled a muscle in my neck from vomiting this weekend.
You got your ass kicked outside KFC on Tuesday
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
He loves blowjobs.. were meant for each other.
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
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