the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
obviously my correlation between being a pro surfer and being extremely good in bed was 100% wrong.
Dude i think i got lasagna in my eye
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
You fucked her?! HER?!
She sent me a nudie pic with a bunch of weed nuggets all over her tits...what was I supposed to do? I don't hate America sir.
Tried to figure out where I was without opening my eyes this morning for like twenty minutes. Not even close. Not even the right state.
I'm not driving across town for three thrusts and an excuse
you strike me as the kind of person who when they spill something on their lap they take off their pants and eat it anyways. right off the crotch seam.
I don't know which I need first...a shower or a confessional.
He is currently passed out on his toilet. Point day drinking.
I woke up with clothes on this morning and I'm pretty sure you had something to do with that. Thank you.
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
we started drinking at 4pm, somehows its 1 am im in bathing suit running from the cops.....any explanation of what happened?
Randomize
