my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
just hang any plant up and call it mistletoe.
no, didnt close...
What?! she made the first move and invited you back to her place. thats like striking out in t-ball pathetic...
fireball beer pong. youre missing out
how is that even possible?
ove gloves.
be there in ten.
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
Jesus christ how hard is BRING SNACKS AND DRUGS to interpret? I trust your judgement on this one.
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
There's a creepy homeless guy with no hand trying to get up on our tacobell order
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
Well you tried to pay for a drink with your keys for one...
"DO YOU LIKE FLYING KITES" WORKED AS A PICKUP LINE. SUCK IT.
You know the party's good when you say "Never have I ever caused an emergency landing" and someone drinks
Not my fault the fence refused to just break when I ran into it.
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
I just motorbotted some guy and my hair got stuck in his nipple ring...owww
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