Bt dubs, I still have cuts on my arm from when you attacked me with a dildo on Saturday night.
Clearly I made an impression.
Or at least your vagina did.
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
I like my landing strip. Makes me feel sophisticated.
What you did last night can never be called sophisticated. I don't care how you trim your pubes.
Feeling better?
I can stand long enough to do the dishes finally. Been trying that all day.
I'm drunk, we're losing, and I'm in the visitors stands. This is about to get ugly.
I know it was your bday but bringing a airhorn and blowing it yelling "buy me a fucking shot" in the bartenders face was a little uncalled for
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
ugh, my whole family is going ape shit over my sister's pregnancy blog. I dont get it? Anyone can get knocked up! I had rebound sex with a new york ranger last night, now that is something to fucking blog about.
it’s my vagina i can do what i want to
No I dont want him to bring his twin brother, cause then ill have to entertain him with my vagina
Lately I've been very attracted to Kevin Jonas because he's like...less hot than Joe, but he's this healthy mix of both Joe and Nick. It looks like he's finally growing into himself.
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
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