i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
just had amazing sex with a girl I got caught with in second grade playing doctor. her examination is finallllly over
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
Then pass out next to me, I'll be under a pong table or a park bench. Really depends on the weather during Mifflin
You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."
It's a goat... but where the fuck did it come from?
I was scared I had HIV after last time so I'm not gonna do it again
But he was really hot
Glad you don't have HIV
I'm mailing you cans of corn and that's final.
The exact people you expect to find at a bar at 2pm are here. Come visit. We'd really like the company.
So high I legit spent 20mins in the shower just holding my tits cuz they feel bigger than normal.
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
She did what?
Who. The correct term is she did who.
Did you see him? The correct term is definitely what.
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
hotelroom bed is big enough to masturbate in, but small enough to not want to sleep in it after you've masturbated in it
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