My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
She was sucking his dick at Seacrets outside bar in front of all of us...her friends kept coming over crying and yelling "Tiffany stop it"
She said i saw her in the study room, waved, disappeared, came back with a coke from god knows where, and slurred "i have a drinking problem but i ate grits"
you took the tequila shot and then procceded to eat the lime..we told you to spit it out but you just straight face kept chomping
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
I bet George Washington got SERIOUS head back in his hay day.
This costume is too restrictive. The priest and I cannot get it on while I am wearing it.
I'm sorry you caught us fucking in your bathroom. If it makes you feel any better when I tried to put my pants back on I dropped them in the toilet.
I nicknamed her "Jackhammer" for the way she gave me a handjob. My balls were in constant pain
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
I just traded sex to frolic with a box of husky puppies. Is this rock bottom?
I mean, I let him sleep with me after we both ate taco bell sober... That's kinda like love, right?
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
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