I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
Her gag reflex was as absent as a father figure must have been in her childhood
I've started grabbing my boobs in front of my lesbian philosophy professor so she'll give me a better grade. It's working...
Why not. Its my b-day, you're in town, I'm in town, bars are in town, and alcohol is in town. I don't see anything not good about those things.
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
I don't know what I would do if cheese never existed
Someone's stooooned
I world jack off literally anyone now that I'm not related to.
There a special place in hell for drunk criers. A special FUCKING PLACE
I'm at the bar, forgot my pants. Everyone's over reacting
He asked if I could ever take him seriously, I told him I just like his doggy style.....needless to say I snuck out after an awkward cuddle session... I wont be calling him at 2 am anymore.
I did it on acid. I can cook bacon on any condition
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
Randomize
