Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
i just picked a peanut m&m up off the floor. with my toes. and then proceeded to eat it.
Can we just schedule bi-weekly fucks and bypass all the bullshit?
you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
yesterday, he said he didn't trust me around his daughter because "if she was wrapped in rolling paper u'd smoke her." yup.
We just licked a sour creme and onion chip for salt for a tequila shot. Our vacation has officially begun.
I did the crab walk everywhere because I was drunk enough that it was easier than standing up.
This morning my mouth tasted like fruit trees, battery acid, and magnums. Transferring schools was the best decision Ive ever made.
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
Note to self. The tub labelled "not water" does not contain water.
Brett got me a cake with a pic of me shitting
My booty call fought through ice and a foot of snow to get here. He brought booze, food, and cigarettes for three days. My vagina is the greatest motivator of all time.
He asked if I was alright. I said "Yeah, I'm just an incapacitated ball of orgasmic bliss right now."
What was I even doing in 2010?! I feel like that's a question I should be able to type into the Facebook Search bar
The guy in the cage next to me is having phone sex. His girlfriend is in College Library. Why is my life ridiculous.
Randomize
