just to let you know, don't open your linen closet for a while until i come over with a cleaning kit and geek squad
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
i just got a clause named after me in the 'alcohol and drug use' section of the handbook. this is certainly a warning sign.
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
She gave me a foot massage with her tongue. I think we're both scarred for life.
I really want to know why half of my kitchen floor is missing.
after she pushed someone down the stairs to get more vodka we lost her for a while and found her on the pole in the garage pouring water on herself
It was one of those nights where you get back from the bar and end up staying up till 3AM beating off to facebook photos of girls from college
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
ok now I feel liek a very drunk human instead of a chaos being thanks water
Woke up in a sombrero and a males speedo. Tequila makes normal peoples clothes fall off, however it makes me fall into a questionable identity crisis
New drinking game idea: Take a shot for every republican you see on facebook bitching about the ruling.
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
What the hell did you do last night?
I embarrassed myself, my family, name, and possibly my country.
Randomize
