Your fb status are always so intriguing.. Often make me picture you naked
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
He keeps the condoms in his bible. I guess stairs or elevator, we're getting to hell one way or another.
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
Between my vag yelling at me for having bad sex and my legs yelling at me for going to the gym I cant hear myself think.
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
I'm playing drinking games with a boy who looks like Liam Hemsworth. I think I'm fine.
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
The bad news is that I stole all your drugs. The good news is that ITS KICKING IN!
Well, let's just say, I got that eye patch like we were joking about
i woke up face planted on your ottoman..thanks for letting me sleepover
And on a positive note i found a list that i made in 3rd grade titled "what to do if you want a guy to like you"
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
oh dont worry mom i am not sick my cough is from a recent increase in recreational drug use
that will happen
Randomize
