well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
Came to from my blackout with native american warrior facepaint on I'm too old for this shit
The facepaint not the blacking out
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
Just so you know swallowing does not help chest colds. Your Phd can suck my dick
Pretty sure the purpose of joining wine clubs isn't to drink the 2 bottles they send you each month IN THE SAME NIGHT.
i cant believe im seriously wearing his ex girlfriends underwear right now
Last night he ate BBQ Pringles out of my boobs...I feel like it was moderately productive
I'm going to pretend you don't watch My Little Pony and focus on your large cock. Kay? Don't bring it up again.
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
So, looks like I managed to leave my bra in the boardroom after all the sex. FML.
When he identified himself as captain clitoris i knew my night was fucked.
He had a tattoo of a crown above his penis. He was AMAZING! It was well deserved. LONG LIVE THE KING!
Well, if you do die, I'll bedazzle your coffin.
I had a dream that I was smoking rasberries out of a bong. THEY WEREN'T EVEN DRIED...
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