Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
someone owes me an orgasm
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
You never go ass to mouth. That's quite possibly the most important rule Paramedic school has taught me.
Is it sad that I just used my electrical knowledge to not only fix but improve my vibrator?
I just feel like Im gonna be remembered as that one RA guy that used to sell weed
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
This tiny cat is tiny breathing with her tiny lungs and im having a tiny freak out. Like those lungs have to be super tiny.
Why yes. I did get laid looking like that. My sheets look like there was a clown orgy
Major win last night. I traded my roommate two cigs for a six pack and a bag of beef jerky. This has been a Brian weekend update
You stopped making out with some rando guy to tell him you weren't sure about your sexuality then proceeded to follow me down the street to make out with me
I think you just described to us the most perfect drunken fairy tale that has somehow never been written
I've never had to kick an employee out of bed to go to work before.
We could probably bang our way to enlightenment. However acid helps.
I’m a lady. I promise I won’t oogle your junk when we go skinny dipping.
Randomize
