'Watching yourself cry on Photobooth' is the new 'watching yourself cry in the mirror.'
you never know, standards drop, they turn gay, shit happens.
First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
You were pretty committed to that cat costume. Between pukes, you would meow and assure people that you just had a hairball you couldn't get out...
okay, this game isn't funny anymore. tell us where all the forks are.
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
i'm forwarding you the dirty picture of that fat girl that likes me sent . i feel like since youre my best friend you should puke in your mouth too .
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
I was just expressing concern for your pickle consumption.
Stop treating my vagina like a slapchop.
Yeah even if I got stabbed it would be worth it
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
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