Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
I would dunk an oreo in her breast milk
trying to figure out who visited the hillshire farms website enough for it to be in my top sites.
Seriously, let me lead the intervention, my parents did like three with me. I know how it works.
I mean I like that it's warm enough to open the windows, but it annoys me that I can't walk around naked anymore.
I may have been hammered and in a wheelchair but I definitely remember asking the hospital reseptionist to marry me
He sent me a pic of his Junk. He said it was a Brett Farve valentine.
Registered sex offender is the model in class today.... There are too many things wrong with him getting naked in front of a lot of college students.
I actually didn't mind her sub-par blowjob skills.. It took me back to a time when skipping class was noticed, and my liver didn't look like a worn out shoe
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
Last night's dream consisted of you, me, a sauce pan full of cocaine and light sabers. I almost cried when I woke up.
Crying while I'm pooping. I think this is rock bottom
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
Sorry you ended up in detox. It's not my fault you decided to walk downtown in only your underwater at 3am. I think the tequila took over.
Randomize
