Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
Yeah but he's impersonating a gargoyle jumping off of everything. Including the walls.
For the amount of money I just spent on my dogs toe, I could have fucked the entire B squad at a low end strip club.
it's just one of those nights where i don't care if anyone sees my vagina
So I'm thinking next semester you should be my own personal maid, nurse, masseuse and chef in exchange for free lodging, any food you can find, and unlimited access to my reproductive organs.
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
50% drunk capacity currently
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
Well you know I have tits so that's half the battle
Once you've had an oral std scare, you're an expert.
Well, I currently have zero fuckboys and my vibrator just broke. A fresh start to May.
i woke up half naked on someone's pool lounge chair in a house that i don't know, with someone's phone number scrawled on my stomach. why do i hang out with you again??
You just listed two reasons.
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
Randomize
