I wish facebook had a fuck off button.
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
Just had a flash back. Pretty sure i ate toilet paper last night.
God my Facebook chat is a graveyard of old blowjobz
She's gone now. Left with the wind like a majestic leaf that just rides the invisible current to locations unknown. And dude, her friends were really hot.
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
antibiotics and champagne: breakfast of champions
So apparently they remodeled our middle school. Looks like we'll need to find a new roof to play beer pong on this summer.
Got to work this morning and thought... Did I really dance on that pole last night
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
Fast is cars. Home is I now. Drunk yoda me is.
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
Randomize