On a scale of affliction to ed hardy, how douchy is in there right now?
i really wish james franco would like my vagina
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
Preparing for thanksgiving at home now by chugging bourbon. Less than a month to train!
Considering showing up at your house with coronas. I'll be wearing a sombrero and that's it.
Party city is having a sale on maracas
Was she always missing a tooth or am I just now noticing it?
Dude, I traded weed for crunch berries. Happy Thursday.
Just found out I made out with the 40 year old Captain of the boat at the barge party. On the bright side he let me drive the boat so at least there's that.
He sent me a blank text message. That's a booty call waiting to happen
i just need to find someone who enjoys eating frozen waffles as much as I do. It will be perfect.
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
Is it bad that we left the kid passed out on the bus? I think his name was texas. I was too drunk to be questioning this.
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
My mom said "I saw the signs you guys were high, so I made the spaghetti"....so ya, I'd say she definitely knew
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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