We're watching an ocean show on Discovery Channel and drinking every time they say "dolphins." PS. Seals kill birds. Tell all your friends.
Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
so she asked me if I thought she was fat and naturally I said no..... but I think she might catch on
who is she? I really hope you have an explanation cause either you think I'm fat or you're cheating on me
so I called to to smoke and you didn't pick up so I smoked and now I'm a race car
she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
theyre selling pepper spray in the courtyard. hellooo atl
Is percocet and coffee considered a balanced breakfast?
Just once, I'd like to hook up with a girl that doesn't look like she's having a near-fatal seizure when I give her an orgasm.
Thank you for helping a fellow gay friend today. You are sublime and deserve free tickets to the Ellen show
He was like, I wanna take it slow. I took off my bra And I was like, either we have sex now or you get out.
You know I've done a lot of messed up stuff. But I never thought I would have to put a bandaid on my dick. Yet here we are.
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
I just caught my bangs on fire trying to lite a bowl while driving. Thank god it wasn't my eyebrows like last time.
It's done, I'm done, goodbye veneer of class and dignity it was nice knowing you
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