It's a miracle Ok Typing texts toYou right now
I looooooove Saturdays!!!!!!!
I am absolutely hammered
I reminded them that I didn't puke and I cleaned yours up! So huh!
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
I brought up my Bobbly Flay drinking game in the interview. Of course I got the job.
Texas State Troopers call you ma'am even when they arrest you for public nudity and after you've puked on their cruiser. Country boys raised right.
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
You passed out with your mouth on the faucet, straddling the keg, with your arms wrapped around it
He pulled the pencil out of my leg and then we fucked. It felt sorta like pulp fiction in reverse.
We just got home a lil bit ago. No sorority girls showed except the ugly swimmer chick and she asked if I've ever faked an orgasm.
if i dont text back till morning its cause i turned my phone off and changed my password to something i wont remember to stop myself from drunk texting...RESPONSIBILITY
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
Woke up in the hospital naked with my id's taped to my chest. Also apparently puked on two guys, two girls and an escalade (at the same time). Good night.
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
I'll bring spiced rum
I am not drinking that devil juice
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