I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
I don't know if the fire truck was perfect timing or if she actually burned something down.
Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
I'm not a creep or anything, just a lost soul looking for a good lay
Missed another period
I almost hope you're pregnant, this is unfair.
I really want to go out tonight but part of me wants to be able to honestly tell the judge tomorow that I didn't
Want to get together for a boner voyage before you leave?
they won't let me drive with my sombrero
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
Sorry I pissed in your dining room and kicked your best friend in the face while he was passed out.
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
I cnant read. Cheetos goen. Help. Grt Cheetos.
It's like Guy Diamond blew glitter into my vagina.
Randomize
