just threw up into the cup of Gatorade I was hoping would settle my stomach. thanks again, alcohol.
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
I'm allowed to be upset. I've never had that many fingers in my ass
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
k. The important thing is we are going out. You are stones. I am mildly hallucenating.
Who needs sounds of the ocean? I just fall asleep to whatever chubby he is banging next door.
So if her brother fucks my brother, can I just tell her that anal sex is in her genes?
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
I am just saying if Clark Kent walks into your life, you fuck him
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
For not being a nurse or a sex worker I have seen an alarming amount of penises.
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
yeah, last night we handcuffed you and you started crying saying that you weren't a bad person
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