My balls are about to become a huge part of your mouth's life
Just downloaded the entire Justin Bieber album sober.. I think you know how I'm doing.
Next thing I know we're all standing in the kitchen holding hands and thanking God for the beer.
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
Well you are. Awfully cute even. Like baby bunnies. And tiny, tiny penises. You know.
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
Should we start at nine like normal people or now like alcoholics?
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
We're Scorpios. We're like dogs rolling in whatever smells good to us.
I don't even remember what he looks like. All I know is he's 6 foot 100. I like that.
Why can't I come over and snuggle you and make you lick my boots
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
I wasnt 2 drunk i sobered up around the time we were shooting the fire extinguishers
Randomize
