I woke up this morning to 4 booty call texts. So i am trying to find the sign that says i like to sit on cocks so that i can take it off.
trust me, i wonder where that sign is on a daily basis.
A 21st bday and NYE should be illegal to have in the same week...
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
There's a level of bonding between people at the liquor store at 10:30 in the morning that's unrivaled
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
This chick at the gym, just informed me I was super funny this weekend. Especially when I untied her friends bikini top after throwing up in the women's restroom. SWEET black out chronicles has another story
I choose McDonald's breakfast at 1:28am over sex anytime
Couldn't finish, so she gave me "the tap," and I had to leave the mound early. Nothing worse than the long walk back after the manager comes out and asks for the ball.
well smoking weed has become a deal breaker for me so I pretty much use "let's go smoke a blunt" as an icebreaker
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
Just Peed in a cup for my country. Fighting the good fight.
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
I just texted him from the other room to come have sex with me-stress relieved
You are such a millennial
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