i think i have reached a jessica simpson level of regret
He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
How's work?
Spinning.
Then you can skip the embarrassing can I date your ex since you're a lesbian now conversation
I can't find the keys to get out of my front door, there are random socks in my bicycle basket and I can see a plastic handle of cheap vodka sitting on my porch. oh, and my head just broke u with me.
Bjs on a first date are the gateway to getting to know someone for who they really are.
Remember when I peed in the trash can in the ATM room last night?
Never thought I'd say this, but thank god for my blackouts.
I'm pretty sure I had my drunk fortune told by a gay Miss Cleo last night. At least it's advice sober me can agree with.
When the cops pulled up I just stood flat against the fence with my hands up while yelling out,"I'm a tree!!"...
You will never be paid again to get drunk and tell off cops without being arrested. Once in a lifetime opportunity
You're right. Fuck my job. I'm in.
He goes to Columbia so regardless of how he looks I should fuck him right?
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
do me a favor, I need this weekend off so can you work your magic and blow my boss again?
my dad just liked my status about my bowl being stolen even he feels my pain
Randomize
