i just walked with a girl who was carrying a chair down the street. apparently she got mad at the bartender and took the bar stool when she left.
He quoted an N'sync song to confess his attraction to me. Needless to say, I had sex with him.
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
you made cement angels. it was a great sight.
At some point last night was I riding a garbage can.. Things are starting to come back to me
Nobody knew what to do when it was dead. You said fire up the George Foreman, I've never ate baby shark. She hasn't stopped crying.
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
The chick who threw the party was all pissed cause she thought I made out with her boyfriend. Admittedly, I did, but she was throwing up and crying at the time so she really can't be that mad.
Is it bad that I don't ask for names anymore? Just added "gold-chain-wearing hotel guy" to my list under "minivan 3way" and "funny-tasting gym guy."
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
Last night you found an onion ring in your fries and then you started singing "A Moment like this"
If there was a card that said "I'm sorry for throwing up on your bathroom counter" I would send it to you.
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
Plus we had to have sex before the game because there is a good chance we won’t be speaking for the rest of the week. #ironbowl
Like how do you live your life and have never made a grilled cheese? The audacity of some people
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