I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
He just kept yelling woof and then threw money all over me...
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
she is using a fork to eat popcorn and refuses to drink gatorade out of anything but a margarita glass... did i mention the popcorn is on a plate?
its my first week of college and i have a UTI
not easy being a whore now is it
Should I be curious about Jeffrey randomly sending me a picture of him holding a crab, or just move on with my life?
We're going to catch a squirrel this summer
Drinking and pointing where stuff needs to go is hard stuff.
Just watched two people have sex in the pool. Hope you enjoy your yeast infection courtesy of the comfort inn.
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
It hurts to hear and I can smell shapes.
I wish you could see all the crumbs in my bra....it looks like Hansel & Gretel got lost in my cleavage.
He told me I smelled like peanut butter, pepperoni, and pure unbrieldled passion.
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
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