oh my god I didn't know your sister was this good at french kissing
Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
You know there's only so much I can do with a great personality.
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
I'm really good at handling things like foreskin and speech impediments.
But Alex is drunk in Philly and I told him to come see me so that's "first-love,-drunk,-high,-and-it's-a-snow-day-hook-up-with-an-ex" points. 69
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
I yelled at him as he left "you broke up with me. You lost your blow job privileges"
He showed up at 1:10AM covered in mud and vomit, wearing a headband that said victory in Japanese. I WANT PICS.
As much as I hate to admit it, some day ill need a man because I can't open jars myself and you can't 69 a dildo
Like I don't even know how to respond to this?
Randomize
