Spider just rapelled from her vag rethinking online dating.
My psychiatrist is "consulting" others. I am high-achieving nuts.
Moms kinda upset I threw up in grandmas bedroom. I think ill stay in tonight.
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
I took 36 pictures of my lava lamp. your weed wins.
You forgot your "boyfriend" from last night on my couch. You're suppose to bring that shit with you.
We just broke into a lion king sing along. Understanding is not possible.
I don't know how or when he is sober long enough to donate plasma
Do you participate in Sunday morning booty calls?
Dammit! I didn't see this message, of course I do.
Roommate is hosting a 'sorority retreat' at our house. If you need to get laid, stumble on over.
It's 10:15 on a Wednesday night and my dick is covered in pop rocks. How's your Wednesday going?
You peed in my kitchen, while crying and insisting my floor was a toilet.
you face planting the wall was epic
did you at least save my tooth
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
Not going to lie, when I looked in the tub I expected to see what might have been remnants of a squirrel.
Randomize
