I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
This is your Morning Wood Report: I have it.
I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
Going to get yelled at but I labeled the reel "four dried up sluts decide going to the middle east to shop during a war is the best idea ever"
I came over to his house for a party and realized I was quoted on the fridge... "How'd I get rug burn on my face?" And yes, my name was right next to it!
Given my current decline of critical thinking and capacity for speech it's probably best u call the cops
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
As far as figuring life out your talking to a guy that's alternating text messages between his baby mama and a drunk bitch I met tailgating. My best advice is don't worry about shit out of your control and always and I really mean ALWAYS wear a condom.
Wait is it okay if I still want to fuck the whole USA swim team or is that only acceptable during the Olympics?
The only flat surface we had was a cheez it box so we snorted the blow off of that. Rock bottom really isn't that bad.
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
Awwww breaks my heart, I just wanna fix his teeth and give him a blowjob.
My apologies. I'll try not to let my dick interfere with official work duties in the future.
We really gotta wear capes to the bar more often...
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