I am currently eating pure cake frosting...I am not sure how I was ever referred to as a responsible adult.
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
She literally just cut half her hair off because she's tired of asking someone to hold it back when shes drunk and puking.
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
I choose McDonald's breakfast at 1:28am over sex anytime
Just realized I used a picture of my little sister to holler at a guy, only 3 months old and she's already my wingman.
I have the WORST cramps EVER. I think this is gods way of saying 'you're welcome, last warning. stop being a slut.'
My date bailed but I got to take a nap so I'm cool with it.
Come to this bar
But I'm full of food.
MAKE ME FULL OF YOUR DICK
Doesn't matter if you work at a funeral home. If the boss says get a keg, you get a keg.
Got 3360 Shoppers points for buying Plan B. I guess this all worked out for the best.
if you and your penis don't hurry up, I'm getting drunk without you.
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
Randomize
