DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
What are these yellow papers in the kitchen?
These are the tickets we got last night.
Did i sign this one as Grizzly Bear?
Yes...yes you did.
This sounds like "Sober" Ericka. Sorry that message wasn't for you. I only do business with "Fell off the wagon" Ericka. Please pass that message along to her.
He was so bad, he was dry humping me and his dick was nowhere close to my vagina.
It's not normal to lose a tooth eating a McDouble.
it's like doing a sit-up... but, you're inside someone
I wonder if her husband knows I have my own drawer at the apartment
I wish there were birth control emojis
Tell Chris I said sorry for yelling "It's my vagina, let me do what I want with it!" at the party last night.
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
You're up at 3AM, right? I have a very important question.
You know the Wendy's on route 6, by Kohls? Do you know if it has a drive through?
Yes it does.
Come to my place after work and we can discuss our finances over a coors delight and a fire ball shot
Let's just face it you're going to have an arrangement with your future wife your fuck me on Thursdays
How do I tell my boss I have slutty fantasies about him, me and his conference room table?
Randomize
