In similar news, my cock is bigger than the plane that landed in the hudson.
My entire life is one complicated drinking game
Of course I was flustered, I had a lot of penis in my face.
Who would win... a chainsaw pooping pterodactyl or a bear with machine guns for feet. big debate about this right now
I am thinkingif I am doing snow Angels in your living room, I probably had too much to drink
Dreamed I made out with a stranger after falling out of a car, let's make this happen tonight.
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
ders ninda duuude pooring goden shots ov glory. I see em an i dont but there hear.
are you attempting voice recognition while drunk again?
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
My backyard is filled with beer cans. You idiots turned our backyard into a redneck ball-pit
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
So that guy from plenty of fish has a lightning bolt tattooed on his face. I kinda feel like I HAVE to sleep with him now.
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
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