Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
Nobody is wearing shirts anymore. What is happening.
im so poor im using the bottom of my laptop to heat my food.
How sober do you have to be to donate blood?
Ladies, we have an appointment at David's Bridal aurora this coming Sunday at 3pm. And an appointment at where ever tequila is served at noon.
Ladystoner tip: if eyes are bloodshot, lime green eyeliner makes them appear less red. its basic artt.
My going away gift was all of them dancing around with solo cups on their dick and balls...these are my friends
I just haven't been myself lately. I slept with a guy 21 years older than me and I've been wearing my hair in a center part.
Oh, honey. If you're seeing a girl just for the sex, never doubt that she knows and she's doing the same thing. We're not stupid, we're just craftier than you.
Sorry. Not doing life today. Love to. But can't.
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
I can't remember the last time I saw a penis in person that I didn't see a million times on text first
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
Randomize
