Funny, I didnt know that facebook statuses were for crappy song lyrics
my friend asked What a UTI was in front of everyone, letts just say his girlfriend was a lil pissed
He's trying to wipe up all the spilled drinks with a banana
the fucking easter bunny is here. he just made 3 cups in a row. no one knows who he is..
You said you wanted to start a restaurant called 'Barbecue' where everything is barbecued. You sounded really proud of your concept.
Just grabbing my bra from a history teacher's desk in the Humanities building. Maybe I should stop drinking on weeknights
Rather than admit to myself he's hooking up with her right now, I choose to believe that he's not responding because he's masturbating to my picture, distraught over his poor choice, and trying to forget about the one that got away with a heavy dose of meth.
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
you were afraid hed set himself on fire so you dumped a box of baking soda on him
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
After we banged he volunteered to ducksit while I went to work. I think that's true love.
When my beach tent arrives , I strongly suggest quitting our jobs and becoming homeless beach drunks
Will you skip merrily into hell with me?
I offer naked tickle fights and orgasms and you call it trouble. I call that Christmas.
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
Randomize
