dude, my face is all kinds of fucked up right now. and don't even start with i told you so...
We were done making out and had been asleep for a hour. I felt him put his hand on my butt. Then I farted.
just threw up into the cup of Gatorade I was hoping would settle my stomach. thanks again, alcohol.
there's got to be a less slutty way to tell him the baby isn't his
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i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
I'm having mini little movies in my head. Like for example. You were talking to a blue whale with jazz man sunglasses, but not the ray charles jazz sunglass. More like sunglasses that are round. Anyway, he has a baguette and stupid french hat. And you , you had your harry potter glasses.
sea world and a strip club? BEST DAY EVER!
Xanax and an ambien. And wine. I'm just waiting for mouth to mouth from some hot EMT. Sort of like the slutty girls version of sleeping beauty
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
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I can still taste the Jäger. I'm gonna shoot myself.
Dude I asked him to get me beef jerky at 4 am and he actually walked to CVS to get it. CVS closes at 12 but it was the perfect opp to dip out
... why is there baby oil , black socks and frozen hot dogs in the sink this morning ?
so you can go out and drink with me then fuck me, or you can come over when i get home and fuck me, or you can come over before and fuck me, or you can come over before and after and fuck me... so many fucking options
I added our drug dealer to the quickbooks software babe, he is listed under vendor's as an expense category... money management is such a bitch...
We won like $80 last night at the casino, so if we get the Plan B we still have enough to get your basic bitch latte from Dunkin. Calm down.
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