Let's make love on the newspapers that declare financial doomsday
ok understand this, i didn't pay for your dinner bc you said i wasn't going to get a blowjob for at least a month... this isn't a mail-in rebate deal, you gotta pay upfront
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
All I could understand from his text was "hatchet" "soccer" & "bitch". its safe to say andy has had enough to drink & will be violent soon
Not enough clothes on. Not enough vagina. Not enough drugs in my body.
Fair warning: We've transformed the living room into a giant tent.
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
I just don't know about this life anymore. Quite frankly I think I belong up there in the great blue, lounging on a cloud sippin tea with Jesus
My alarm went off and I went straight for your dick. That's dedication.
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
National champion athletes like gay butt sex, too. I'm just here to help them out.
Yea I went out in footie pajamas and still got laid. Good night for u?
I just went to cvs and bought condoms, handcuffs and a coloring book
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
Randomize
