kyle and i were puking, simultaneously, off the front porch at 4 am, and in the middle of it he looks up, reaches his hand over, and says "knucks." And then I proceeded to fist bump him. By farrr the best time I've ever had puking.
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
He gave me a book last time I slept there. Im beginning to feel like a really weird hooker. Like instead of money he gives me random shit he has lying around. like hamburger buns
An don't say it's "personal preference" cause I don't buy it. I just want to have normal cool guy balls. I don't want to be the dude that's still rocking the equivalent of the "mid 90's bowl cut" of scrotum haircuts.
I tried to find the bar, ended up at a car dealership. Then the alarms went off.
i dont remember how or why, but i now have 3 coupons for a free BJ from Anise stapled to my right arm.
Heres a quick tip! When getting black out head from your girlfriend dont come to and say "wait... wheres my girlfriend"
Dude I broke her toilet blowing some dude. I wasn't going to turn down the 300$ he offered to fix it.
Do to my newly discovered condition I'm having to resort to emergency beat sessions to avoid the temptation to text girls I know are easy slams.
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
Good morning love! Friendly reminder that we decided to make leggings with a vagina zipper. "For the winter quickie"
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
Bank just called....we left my debit card in the ATM last night.
So what we learned was that it doesn't matter how skinny the stripper is, if she sits on your knee with a torn acl for two hours it's going to swell up
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