Its not like he dircectly choose a cheeseburger over sex, it was more like I said seductively "I really appreciate this and I'm going to make it up to you anyway I can" and he replied "i want a bacon cheeseburger"
i guess he just knew i was going to sleep with him either way
Whats the opposite of morning wood? Whatever its called, everyone saw it when it fell out.
We George Forman grilled some girls phone last night.
what happened last night?
u kept telling him to fuck u optimus prime style
that explains why his roommate kept saying autobots roll out this morning as i left
I am drunk at a castle and it isn't even 3. Europe is amazing.
this is a mass text to all the people i smoke weed with. I have Mono, so if we've shared a bong/pipe. sorry man.
Also I smoked away my sore throat last night. It's a 420 miracle.
Parents weekend was a success.
Yeah, I guess so if you consider being arrested and having your parents bail you out a success...
Bail could have come out of your pocket so yes, I think we were financially responsible this weekend.
Drunkasaurus has found a new cave to eat all the children she captured
I need to get you away from Bacardi 151 and out from under the bed
Hey, ok if I kidnap you? I wanna test a theory.
At first I was nervous about leaving him my undergraduate legacy, but apparently he made out with lesbians, woke up with hickeys and a different shirt. My family name will survive.
So I have been told that I licked your eyebrows last night
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
After drinking all day I popped an adderal, slammed three beers in a row, apparently told the bartender "thanks bitch" then ran on stage.
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Randomize
