i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
In retrospect, getting to second base BEFORE anal wouldve been a good idea
I'm the only kid serving jury duty. And I'm the only one who may walk out of here in handcuffs for a warrant. I'm enabling these people to doubt America's youth once again.
I think he liked me better when I only opened my mouth to suck his dick.
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
Apparently she doesn't appreciate the significance of eskimo sisterhood as much as I do.
Time flies when you're blacked out in a lake
The man who lives downstairs is fluent in Russian, and also a playboy. You should meet.
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
Like 50% of me thinks it'll be weird, 25% of me is curious & 25% of me is horny
I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober
she is legit trying to fuck me to death between her and work i haven't slept in 3 days and have at least 16 hours to go before sleep is a possibility. can i crash at your place she doesnt know where you live
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
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