If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
i'm sorry, but my penis isnt the solution to your problems
He said the last thing he remembered thinking was: 'Why is this vagina spinning?' Too drunk sex is no ones friend.
Is eating fries while lying on the floor bad for you?
If I choke and die at least I will have been doing something I love
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
I can't! Its just like the night that I bathed you, I didn't tell anyone.
One does not fall in love, one falls flat on the their face after leaving a bar
With everyone putting up pictures of their moms on Facebook it's time to go single MILF hunting.
A man can only lie in bed watching COPS for so long before he wants to do things that can lead him to starring on the show.
How do you explain to your mom that you let your friend stab you in the leg while drunk and high on coke?
it was a 'fall asleep on the bathroom floor after puking bc the cold tile is legit more comfortable than your bed' kind of night.
"Uno más" are officially my least favorite words in the entire Spanish language.
You were licking skittles to check if they were "halucinateizers" so no, you are not leaving the house while on antibiotics.
I told her I wanted to go swimming and she responded with jello shots, taking off her clothes, and jumping into the pool...I think I'm in love
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