My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
I need to take "lollipop" off of every single one of my playlists cause it makes me wanna suck dick.
After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
He stopped in the middle of us having sex and asked "is today Monday?" then went even faster
its 4am. im standing over him in my bed eating chinese food, on the phone with dan trying to convince him to break up with his gf. whoredom.
And I can feel feelings now and they hurt
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
I am the slutty bisexual glue that holds this friendship group together.
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
he got all sad that i was going to fuck his roommate, so i just asked him if it would make him feel better if I let him motor boat me. i am such a saint.
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
I GOT JUDGED BY A GUY WORKING AT THE LEAST CLASSY STRIP CLUB. Peeing isn't a right, it's a privilege.
Pretty sure I was impersonating Rihanna when I kept asking him what my name was while we were making out
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