Peter invited his little brother to smoke with us and he is trying so hard to pretend he's done it before. When he saw the weed he was like "hell yeah!" and everyone got completely silent and just looked at him
Harry Potter. Singing. Sobering up. In that order.
We've started doing pot butter shots. WHY AREN'T U HERE
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
It's like I'm snorkeling in an ocean of tequila.
I didn't know where we were going to start fucking, so I just strategically hid condoms all over the house before he came over.
All I know is that I woke up in a soccer players' dorm, and he said that I kept telling him my mouth was a "net for his balls" last night at the bar..
My backyard is filled with beer cans. You idiots turned our backyard into a redneck ball-pit
Oh yeah I remember when I first saw Kyler's balls. If there's anything high school swim prepared me for, it's the amount of testicles I would see here
Summary of my night: made out with a complete stranger at a club dressed in the Geico gecko costume...
I said his dick tasted like a Hawaiian Sweet Roll. And then I yelled MAHALO.
Did you smoke and go to the aquarium again?
No no no, work drunk and day drunk are totally different. I got drunk with a client and made a huge sale at 1pm. You are still in your PJs and jacking off.
He showed up in a Prius. I didn’t even wanna.... So I left.
The best part of last night is not remembering half of it
Randomize
