I'm drive I can fine osifer
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
Did you bedazzle the elevator?
Bad behavior is like a petri dish that grows organically In my heart
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
Find me a cup with a lid so I can illegally drink in your car. I'll be there in bout 10 minutes.
I'm at an awkward stage of not being able to tell if I wanna keep having fun or if I need to die in bed
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
That's why i need nudes. Plutonic nudes.
I just lost my handcuff virginity and not in the sexy way.
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
His mom wants to come see the dorm.
Hide the whip.
you poured beer in your mouth so you could be a beer pong cup for her to drink out of/make out with
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