he said 'i want to be the peanut butter to your jelly, just without the crust' and then tried to take me shirt off
I was hidding Easter eggs in CHURCH this morning when one of the older men came up to me and said "I always knew you'd be a bunny just not the Easter kind" ... Our congregation obviously has high hopes for their pastor's daighter
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
he seriously made his penis a facebook.
We're attempting to get a tally of how may people puked last night...Please respond with your vomit status.
I like to think of them as justice herpes. She cheats on me and gets more than she bargained for.
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
I would fuck him In a heartbeat, an obese child running up stairs with an irregular heartbeat, heartbeat.
Just FYI, by the transitive property my breasts have now touched the Stanley Cup.
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
NO FUCKBOY SHALL PASS OPERATION #BITCHMODE HAS SUCCEEDED
He slept outside in his hammock, and then took a lawn chair with him in the shower because he was too drunk to stand up.
Whats a polite way to say 'if you havent put on a freshman 15 i would like to see you during break'?
You know your late night booty call was a huge fail when you go back to your car after it's over, and it's still warm.
I cannot believe all 4 of us had sex at the same time, in the same bed... And it didn't turn into a foursome..
Randomize
