Tell your boobs to stop staring at me.
i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
and then he said "my sister has the same underwear!" please come get me.
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
i saw a stretcher and literally ran around for 10 minutes telling people it wasnt for me
I was fingering her, she was moaning, and we were singing Mulan
I said I usually like going out for coffee before torturing someone's genitals. He said he understood.
We haven't said piping hot jizz in awhile... that needs to come back into our conversations
Drunk naked twister. My place. Heath is trying to use his dick as a third leg.
My cousin is passed out in my room, so I just masturbated in my walk-in closet. Apparently I get off on danger. Make note of that.
Wow it must be so difficult to be as popular as you are and smoke as much weed as you do
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
The whole time we were hanging out my vagina was yelling at me like its a real live penis that wants to have sex with us what are you doing
The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
I didn't expect the hobit to have that much sexual tension.
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